Welcome Home

for Halloween, I’ll be a fork, my wife a spoon, and our child a spork.

Stats is probably the worst class I have ever taken.

            Screw this homework, when am I ever going to need to know how to analyze an essay concerning tv shows that exploits emotions? This is crap. I’d much rather be writing and analyzing poetry, works of artistic literature. Artistic literature is where it’s at. I enjoy it but I certainly wish that I was better at it.  That and music. I’ve definitely got the passion but not the talent. Maybe I wasn’t meant to have such talent; maybe I desire to be a great, well-known musician too much.  I just want to make a name for myself.  Isn’t that what America is all about? Sure it is.  If you want something enough, strive for it until you get it: that’s what our culture teaches.  But is this really right?  Should I rather be focusing only on the thing’s I’m good at?  Quite possibly, but that isn’t very much. 

            Poetry is the only thing that comes to mind and I’m not even that good at that.  Yet, maybe I should work on perfecting that art instead of trying another. Work on getting my name out there as a poet and not a musician.  After all, my usernames are always “joshdapoet” not “joshdasinger.” But in all honesty, I feel like I can pour out passion really well when I sing. Worship songs especially. Yet I haven’t been able to do this in any of my youtube videos.  In this case, should I give up on youtube and just go find worship events to attend? Or should I work harder so I can publically express my love for Christ?

            I struggle with pride; there’s no denying it.  And it’s not that I have much to be proud of.  No big athletic accomplishments, I’ve never been in a play, saved someone’s life, won a talent show.  Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that I struggle with jealousy and not being content.  I’d much rather be a wonderful, famous singer with lots of fan girls and shirts in Hot Topic.  I’d much rather have my hair longer, more luscious, better looks.  I want to play concerts and while everyone’s going crazy, my darling Emily will be able to say, “that’s my man.” And I’d shoot her a smile as I sing about her.  And my songs would inspire many young lives; I’d love to tell teenagers how they are loved by their creator and how they deserve authentic romance, not the trash they’re getting.

            But that’s not me.  My videos on youtube get about 100 views, and half of them are probably me.  I’m not the next big thing.  I won’t be playing a concert any time soon.  And I get the feeling that this is only God protecting me.  For if I was famous and talented, surely that would only fuel my pride.  Or perhaps (and something I would honestly prefer), maybe it’s only a waiting game.  So now I learn to be content with life, and then God will come along and grant me the opportunity to share music, and share it beautifully.  In my very deepest being, I do wish to glorify him through it.  It’s just very easy to take all the credit and glory.

            And what about poetry?  What if I start getting more well known because of that? I would enjoy this; is it wrong to want to be well-known?